Archive for the 'Relationships' Category

What if we were to hook up with old friends in real life the way we do on Facebook? What if we related to our friends in the real world as if we were on Facebook?

This video gives us a taste of what may lie ahead for our friendships…

We met up with some friends recently whom we had not seen for almost 18 months even though they live in London. That’s part of the London thing - everyone is so busy that it’s difficult to make time to meet up and before you know it, several months - and even years - have passed. For this meet-up, we had to put it in our diaries almost 4 months in advance as it was a matter of co-ordinating 4 diaries and different work patterns and commitments.

We were all so delighted when we finally did meet for a meal last week at Carluccio’s. We talked non-stop, catching up on what we’d all been doing and letting the conversation flow whichever way it fancied - writing, literature, social media, karate, running, health, throwing out old clothes… At the end of the evening, we promised not to leave it so long next time and planned to meet again before too long. I really hope that we will stick to our good intentions as I really enjoy the company of these friends.

I’ve been blogging about “friends” for a couple of weeks now, especially in the context of Facebook and meeting up with these real friends made me think about how my friendships in recent years have evolved since the arrival of social media into my life.

One of the reasons we had not been much in contact with these friends we met at Carluccio’s was that they are not very wired - we’ve exchanged a few emails over time but mainly to do with arranging when we next meet. One of them does not have a working email address. They are both too busy to spend much time online.

In contrast, Angie and I both love emailing, Skype, instant messaging, reading and writing blogs and do spend some time of Facebook even though we’re not great fans of it. Consequently, we have tended to keep up with those friends who are easy to connect with in these digital spaces. More than that, these digital connections have strengthened many relationships which might not have otherwise thrived. I’ve got to know my cousin who lives in Bath so much better in the last two years than in the 40+ years that we’ve been cousins - she and her husband are the most wired couple we know and as a result of Twittering, blogging and Skyping, we come across each other’s daily inconsequentials. Because of her tweets, I know when she takes the kids to the pool and what she’s making for dinner: not the most exciting news but it’s the kind of thing that if she were in my neighbourhood, we might natter about over the garden fence. It’s the small things that can nurture long friendships as much as the deep conversations about life, the universe and everything.

With my non-wired friends, I make a conscious effort to phone them, especially those who live in the Midlands or Yorkshire or Wales or elsewhere far from London, and it’s great to have a long chat over the phone. But it takes a lot of conscious effort - it has to be in the evening after work but not during dinner time and also not too late (I’ve never been sure when “too late” is - 10pm and after?). You also have to hope that you are both on good form so you can have a good conversation - long silences and flat exchanges over the phone are just too awkward. And then after you’ve psyched yourself up for all this, you get the answermachine and you have to leave a message and then it’s up to them to call you back and hopefully, they won’t get your answermachine - and so the game of telephone tag goes on until you both are home at the same time. Whew, exhausting!

Or worse. They don’t call you back. Uh-oh. Does that mean they are snubbing you? They are too busy to call back? They meant to but they’ve forgotten? They are in the throes of a crisis and it’s not the right time for a chat? Or you left your message on someone else’s answermachine - after all it was that electronic lady’s voice on the voicemail and not your friend’s voice…? Do you call again? How many times should you call again before you become a friendship stalker?

You see, it’s all too fraught, this old-fashioned telephone thing, lovely though it is when we do manage to speak. I’d love to persuade these dear but unwired friends into the world of online connection but could I? What will bring them round to the digital way of doing things? Should I even try?

Photo: thanks to Rev Dan Catt from flickr.com (CCL)

Someone (let’s call her Rachel*) asked for my advice about Facebook friending etiquette the other day. We are both friends in the real world (an old Uni pal) and we are also friends of Facebook. Rachel, who is an internet newbie who stays mainly on Facebook, had received a “friend” request from a business colleague of her husband’s.

Rachel told me, “I don’t know what to do. I use Facebook for my close friends and family and this lady is nice but she’s - well - a business contact. If I accepted, she’d be the only non- “real friend”. And I use Facebook for, you know, personal stuff that only friends and family would be interested in. But I don’t want to be rude.”

This is a dilemma I’ve come across a number of times.

With people you don’t know at all who just came across your profile on Facebook and try to “friend” you because their aim is to reach, like, wow, 1,000 friends, man - you just ignore them. That’s easy.

With friends who are your real-life friends ie you know them in the real world and they actually are your friends in that sense of the word, that’s easy too - you accept them.

It’s these in-betweeny people who are your acquaintances or business colleagues or someone you met at a party and spoke to for five minutes - what do you do about them? For me, my Facebook profile and all my public online presences are part of who I am in public and relate to my profession as a writer and social media specialist so if the person fits with that public me, then I accept them. For private personal connections, I maintain private spaces eg for family photos and videos.

For Rachel and many others like her, her presence online is not part of a public, business-related presence and she’s just having some fun with friends and family. This is where privacy settings and more “un-friendly” conduct becomes necessary - and is quite legitimate. I suggested that she explain to her husband’s business colleague that she uses Facebook for family and close, personal friends only and if she’s worried about the colleague taking it the wrong way, to make sure she knows that Rachel can be friendly in other ways that work better for the nature of the business relationship.

As we live more and more of our lives online, privacy issues are going to become more and more relevant. At the moment, there are no rules of etiquette for social interactions online and generally, what we’ve been using in the real world works too online. But new etiquette is bound to evolve as new issues and circumstances arise. In a case like this, it’s a matter for Rachel to find a way to best negotiate who she friends and what personal information she shares online - but it’s also a matter for the business colleague to respect the privacy of the person who does not wish to “friend” her online (although Rachel may be comfortable meeting her from time to time in the appropriate business setting).

So, Rachel didn’t accept the friend request. What do you think? Would you have friended this colleague anyway?

*not her real name

Photo: thanks to jennybento from flickr.com

The dark side

“The online world can lead to isolation and anti-social behaviour. It’s all very well having all these virtual friends on social networks but they can’t give you virtual hugs. You need real people for that.”

“Facebook and social networks are dangerous because you can lose your privacy. I would never want to put my details on Facebook.”

“I don’t read blogs. They’re not relevant for businesses, are they?”

“What’s social media? I don’t like computers. It’s all much too modern for me.”

These are a some comments that came up recently in a number of conversations I’ve had over the last year with some business people, intellectuals and professionals. It seems there are many people who have not yet had the time or readiness to be introduced to the remarkable opportunities for human communication that is available through social media tools. One of them even said to me, “It’s so refreshing to come across someone who is so positive about social media for a change.”

I felt like I was the odd one out at these particular gatherings. For awhile now, many of my closest friends and colleagues are happy social media campers like me and I’ve met numerous business people and professionals who are engaged and curious about the possibilities of online communications. So it has been a surprise from time to time to have been the lone voice of enthusiasm. It got me thinking. Why am I so positive about social media?

The bright side

There used to be an ad for BT, British Telecoms, the phone company with the tagline “Reach out and touch someone”. In my mind, social media offers exactly that experience. Perhaps I’m more sensitive to such opportunities, having lived apart from my family since I was 12. All the way across the vast globe, my parents and family were home in Malaysia while I grew up during my years at school and university here in England. The only communication used to be letters that arrived a week after they were written or through echoey, expensive phone calls once every few weeks. It could be lonely, counting the days till the next holiday when I’d be able to see my Mum, wondering what my family was doing just at that moment, imagining them having dinner together in Malaysia eight hours ahead while I was in a Maths lesson.

So, how amazing it is now to be able to email a message within seconds, type out an instant message - well - instantly, speak with my family online free or for a few pence and even see the other person face-to-face online as you do so. How fantastic to make new friends through blogging about shared interests even though you may be on different continents. How incredible to be able to follow each moment of another’s life through Twitter or Facebook status updates.

Existential crisis

And I don’t think it’s just me trying to recover from childhood loneliness. The reason so many millions have engaged so intensely online is because of the very human urge to connect with others and to express ourselves.

Yes, there are people who isolate themselves in their rooms all day playing on the internet. In India, universities have become increasingly concerned about increased suicide rates which they link to too much time spent on social networks. In Japan, a young girl blogged about killing her mother and her public journals were only investigated after the mother died - and it was found that she did indeed kill her mother. For me, the question is what kind of society drives young people into isolation because they feel they can’t talk to real live people right there next to them so that they feel that they can only engage online? How are those live people right there next to them not engaging with them, not hearing them, not understanding them?

Facebook

Using blogging and Facebook, I keep in touch with my family and friends in Malaysia and all over the world. I have made new and interesting friends whom I have met subsequently in real life and who continue now to be real as well as virtual friends. OK, I can’t get a virtual hug but I can get a verbal one through their written, audio or video messages - which must surely be better than the silence of being offline and disconnected from this global neighbourhood. In my real life, I still have my friends and family in the flesh who give me the real hugs and I reckon a lot of bloggers and social networkers enjoy that, too. It just means that my friendships and relationships are no longer all bound by having to physically being in the same place with those others.

Yes, you can lose your privacy on Facebook. But only if you choose to upload your personal data like your date of birth, your mother’s maiden name, your social security number etc. No-one is forcing you to do that. And, yes, employers are now checking Facebook profiles before they hire and an inappropriate photo of you can affect your chances of getting the job. With Facebook, the key is to use it judicously and to look at the privacy options you can set. It is prudent to think of it as a public space rather than a private one. There are advantages if you navigate your way through such a public space wisely - for example, you can ask for introductions from friends to other friends - which is particularly useful in a business context, replacing the old-fashioned letter of introduction.

Beware FUD

Crime, suicide, isolation, murder and loss of personal privacy are important issues and I am not dismissing concerns about them. It’s just worth stepping back for some perspective and context - and for the other side of the story to be offered up. There are millions of blogs and millions of people engaging in social networks and online games. In most cases - ie in millions of cases - these experiences are positive and the new technology is helping people connect with each other. Traditional media like newspapers and broadcast media thrive on FUD: Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt - no-one buys the paper to read that everything is fine and dandy. So newspapers etc will naturally pick out the doom and gloom stories. If you rely on the traditional media to tell you about social media, you’re only getting one side of the story.

Social media is here to stay and I think it’s a shame for those who choose not to engage out of FUD. They are losing out on ways to connect with friends, colleagues and family that can enrich their personal and business life. If you met your friends in a public place like a restaurant or on the street, you’d be sensible - you wouldn’t leave your handbag in an easily snatchable place, you wouldn’t give out your private details to a stranger walking by and so on. So it’s the same with social media - be sensible and you can get the best out of the time you spend online.

Photo: thanks to Ondra_L from flickr.com

Malaysian writer and director Zona Marie Tan is about to marry the blogger she met via blogging. She blogs under the monicker Midnite Lily. She summarises her story on her blog:

“The Love story

The “Online Relationship” category on my blog will take you to snippets of my little love story that began in 2006. Lee and I had been reading each other’s blogs for over three years, which we found through Blogshares. It wasn’t until April ‘06 that we started talking to each other. First through email then subsequently on YM and Skype. It was love at first click… Heh… The first time we ever met in person was when he came to visit me in Malaysia in August, and I was then in Sydney with him for five months. Now, we’ are engaged and in the midst of journeying to joining our lives.”

Congratulations, Zona and Lee!

Blogging is about communication so it’s not so surprising to come across a romantic story like this. When you get to know someone through their writing and daily updates, it’s a great way to make a lasting connection. I’ve got to know a number of great people whom I would never had connected with were it not for blogging - they’ve become email and Facebook friends and I’ve also met up with a number of them. In particular, Malaysian bloggers are particularly friendly and open and whenever I’ve met up with them after getting to know them on their blogs, it’s like meeting long lost friends. In many ways, I feel closer to them than to some non-blogging friends who live in the same city - mainly because I know more about what’s going on with my blogging/ social networked friends than about my non-blogging friends with whom I may or may not speak on the phone every few months.

Do you know any other blogging love stories? Let me know!