The Changing Ways of Friendship

We met up with some friends recently whom we had not seen for almost 18 months even though they live in London. That’s part of the London thing - everyone is so busy that it’s difficult to make time to meet up and before you know it, several months - and even years - have passed. For this meet-up, we had to put it in our diaries almost 4 months in advance as it was a matter of co-ordinating 4 diaries and different work patterns and commitments.

We were all so delighted when we finally did meet for a meal last week at Carluccio’s. We talked non-stop, catching up on what we’d all been doing and letting the conversation flow whichever way it fancied - writing, literature, social media, karate, running, health, throwing out old clothes… At the end of the evening, we promised not to leave it so long next time and planned to meet again before too long. I really hope that we will stick to our good intentions as I really enjoy the company of these friends.

I’ve been blogging about “friends” for a couple of weeks now, especially in the context of Facebook and meeting up with these real friends made me think about how my friendships in recent years have evolved since the arrival of social media into my life.

One of the reasons we had not been much in contact with these friends we met at Carluccio’s was that they are not very wired - we’ve exchanged a few emails over time but mainly to do with arranging when we next meet. One of them does not have a working email address. They are both too busy to spend much time online.

In contrast, Angie and I both love emailing, Skype, instant messaging, reading and writing blogs and do spend some time of Facebook even though we’re not great fans of it. Consequently, we have tended to keep up with those friends who are easy to connect with in these digital spaces. More than that, these digital connections have strengthened many relationships which might not have otherwise thrived. I’ve got to know my cousin who lives in Bath so much better in the last two years than in the 40+ years that we’ve been cousins - she and her husband are the most wired couple we know and as a result of Twittering, blogging and Skyping, we come across each other’s daily inconsequentials. Because of her tweets, I know when she takes the kids to the pool and what she’s making for dinner: not the most exciting news but it’s the kind of thing that if she were in my neighbourhood, we might natter about over the garden fence. It’s the small things that can nurture long friendships as much as the deep conversations about life, the universe and everything.

With my non-wired friends, I make a conscious effort to phone them, especially those who live in the Midlands or Yorkshire or Wales or elsewhere far from London, and it’s great to have a long chat over the phone. But it takes a lot of conscious effort - it has to be in the evening after work but not during dinner time and also not too late (I’ve never been sure when “too late” is - 10pm and after?). You also have to hope that you are both on good form so you can have a good conversation - long silences and flat exchanges over the phone are just too awkward. And then after you’ve psyched yourself up for all this, you get the answermachine and you have to leave a message and then it’s up to them to call you back and hopefully, they won’t get your answermachine - and so the game of telephone tag goes on until you both are home at the same time. Whew, exhausting!

Or worse. They don’t call you back. Uh-oh. Does that mean they are snubbing you? They are too busy to call back? They meant to but they’ve forgotten? They are in the throes of a crisis and it’s not the right time for a chat? Or you left your message on someone else’s answermachine - after all it was that electronic lady’s voice on the voicemail and not your friend’s voice…? Do you call again? How many times should you call again before you become a friendship stalker?

You see, it’s all too fraught, this old-fashioned telephone thing, lovely though it is when we do manage to speak. I’d love to persuade these dear but unwired friends into the world of online connection but could I? What will bring them round to the digital way of doing things? Should I even try?

Photo: thanks to Rev Dan Catt from flickr.com (CCL)